The 7 Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

7 Ways To Let Go Of Insecurity In Your Relationship

The 7 Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

I have felt unworthy of love for a lot of my life. A common question that replayed in my head during my high school years was:

“Why would anyone be interested in me?”

My relationship insecurity made me see problems where they didn’t exist, turning what could have been a successful relationship into a short-lived, dismal failure. Know the feeling?

If so, here are 7 ways on how to stop feeling insecure:

1. Stop thinking it is all about you

A self-centered worldview will have you chasing boogeymen where they don’t exist. If your partner doesn’t feel going out, don’t assume it is because of you when they just as easily could have had a really bad day at work that drained their energy.

Stop psycho-analyzing every word choice your partner makes and be more present in the moment so you can notice the message behind their tone, physical presence, and posture. Obsessing with hidden meanings is a sure-fire way to miss the point.

Don’t berate your partner for being too quiet, or continuously ask, “What are you thinking?” during every lapse of conversation. An overwhelming urge to fill every second of silence with needless words is a habit of an insecure person. Take your partner’s hand, breathe in, breathe out, and enjoy the silence together. Who says you can’t enjoy simply being with each other without words?

2. Stop psyching yourself out

Your thoughts could be your relationship’s best friend or worst enemy. The quality of your thoughts has a direct effect on the quality of your relationship.

Have you ever found thinking negative thoughts , “I know they’ll get sick of me someday,” or, “How could they love me?” These thoughts have little to do with reality but a lot to do with fear.  In other words, the problem you are concerned with doesn’t exist—you invented it!

Any time you find yourself feeling insecure about your relationship, tell yourself, “The thing I’m worried about only exists in my head. I have full control.”

3. Stop lugging around all that baggage

Ever been in a relationship so terrible that you would love to just wish it all away so you never have to think about it again? Join the club. You’ll be hard-pressed to find a person who doesn’t have a bit of baggage because this love thing is an unpredictable (and sometimes rocky) ride.

A little baggage is totally okay, but you need to lighten your load before jumping into any new relationship. Let go of any left-over hurtful feelings that might be lingering and realize that your new relationship is a new opportunity to put all of that behind you.

The lovely thing about life: you can re-start as many times as you need to!

4. Stop seeing things in black and white

How do you react when someone blames you for something that you don’t think is your fault? Survey says: you get defensive.

wise, confronting your partner over a problem—no matter how obvious it may be to you—will most ly cause them to become defensive. This usually leads to a knock-down, drag-out fight that is the opposite of productive because you’re both too busy trying to prove you’re right to resolve your conflict.

If you have a problem, don’t immediately point the finger, but instead approach your partner with compassion and understanding. Be comfortable in the fact that neither of you is fully “right” or “wrong.” The true answer lies somewhere in the middle.

5. Stop feeling paranoid over nothing

Let’s face it: we all talk to people of the opposite sex. Just because a boy and girl (or boy and boy, or girl and girl) are friends doesn’t mean there is more to the story.

Avoid the temptation to snoop your partner’s phone, messages, or email account. While this could temporarily calm your nerves when you see nothing afoul, it is also a behavior that could quickly become addictive, not to mention damaging for relationship trust when they find out Big Brother is watching.

6. Stop putting off uncomfortable conversations

While conflict is stressful for your relationship in the short-term, it will build the strength of your relationship in the long-term.

Facing your problems without fear will help you grow closer to your partner. Never mince words with each other and you will develop trust so strong that you can tell your partner anything that is on your mind.

7. Stop being dependent on anyone but yourself

Having someone to hug, kiss, cuddle, make love to, and share your life with is nothing short of wonderful. But before you march off into the sunset in search of love, you need to learn to love yourself.

Just you shouldn’t invite a friend to your home while it’s a disorganized wreck, you shouldn’t invite a partner into your life while it is in disarray. Take care if your inner-house before you invite anyone else to it.

If you let go of insecurity, you can expect the side-effects of reduced stress and increased relationship satisfaction. If you’re still struggling with relationship security, try to get more guidance from this article:

What You Really Need to Feel Secure in a Relationship

Featured photo credit: Unsplash via


4 Signs of Insecure Love

The 7 Signs of Insecurity in a Relationship

Source: NotarYES/Shutterstock

Recognize that you may suffer from a pattern of insecure attachment if you are repeatedly playing out the same distressing relationship dynamic. This may occur when a person wasn’t loved properly in childhood, but can also occur from an accumulation of traumatizing relationships in adulthood. Here are four signs that you are insecure in love — and what to do if you are.

1. You can’t self-soothe. Do you find that when your partner is contact, or you aren’t aware of his/her whereabouts, you become anxious? Your mind races, wondering where your partner is, and you play out various negative stories in your mind.

You worry they have lost interest in you or are with someone they find more desirable. You text, call, and attempt to make contact with too much urgency. Does this sound familiar? If it does, you need to be able to open a self-soothing toolkit when you become upset due to something real or imagined having to do with your partner.

Consider taking 10 minutes your day to practice mindfulness so as to become more aware and reflective of what is going on for you in difficult moments.

And, too, build strategies to take care of yourself and make yourself feel better (examples include journaling about your upset feelings, reading self-help books, and completing exercises on self-nurturing, physical exercise, and seeking social support).

2. You repeatedly break up and make up. Do you find you adore your partner one moment, and the next moment feels as if the bottom is falling the relationship? If you are only riding the highs, but not doing any substantive work on the relationship, then the lows will be exceedingly low.

Breaking up and then making up doesn’t really solve the dysfunction in your union. It merely temporarily relieves your anxiety over the possibility of losing someone you love.

However, communicating and being honest and open about the issues in the relationship — when you are both in a safe and calm state of mind — can make all of the difference.

3. You feel unseen. Does some part of you feel unknown and unseen by your partner? Perhaps you have fun together, and they seem interested in you, but it’s not in a connecting and curious way. They don’t for you to be upset or withdrawn, but they don’t take the time to really understand you.

Deep down, you’d someone to ask questions and take a genuine interest, but this never seems to happen in your relationships. Consider putting more work into being yourself with your partner, good and bad. Talk about your needs, emotions, and the more difficult things you deal with.

If they shut you down, ignore, or minimize you, then this might not be a healthy attachment for you.

4. You feel as if life is in constant limbo. Do you desire long-term plans, a commitment, or greater stability with your partner? When a person is insecure in love, they often pick partners who keep them feeling insecure. So instead of definite plans (“I’ll pick you up at 7:00 tomorrow night”), you get: “I am not sure of my plans; let’s see how things go.

” This lack of assurance leaves you spinning. You wonder what’s going to happen in the relationship, if this person is definitely into you or not. Consider if you have picked someone who lacks the capacity to really commit in a way that makes you feel safe and secure.

Remind yourself it is a perfectly natural human need to want to know where you are headed and what to expect going forward.  

In my book, Toxic Love, I offer specific strategies around breaking dysfunctional love patterns.